My life is total crap right now. How often have you heard someone say this? I know lately what with being ill and having boy problems and the roof blowing off my barn I've thought it, but you know, such globalizing of misery doesn't help. And it isn't true. The fact is, life is not TOTAL crap. Only 99%. :-)
All right, even less than that.
I think I cause a lot of my grief by internalizing every little thing like I'm somehow to blame, then inferring from that that I'm less of a person for letting bad things happen. Why didn't I take better care of my health? Continue homeschooling my boys? Deal better with their teachers? Nail down the barn roof or better yet, buy a better house? Must be because I'm a loser, stupid, pathetic, a soft touch or in some other way deficient etc etc. Gee, who needs a mean kid to beat me up? I do such a great job on myself.
I've been reading a book about performance anxiety. Why? Because I get myself so tied in knots I can't move forward. Like now-- with some money coming in from Cup of Comfort,I decided to get a professional website done. Not that I don't like Kristen's - I think she did a great job, but because those in the know can tell the difference and I wanted to give myself the best chance of putting a professional foot forward.
Sooooo, I asked Jodici who everyone raves about, and tentatively priced one. Started a quote at $75US and quickly blew out to around $160 US. Yikes. I CAN do it since my Cup of Comfort story won (though I did want to put some aside in case my CP needs it to get to Nationals.)
So-- what image to portray on my site? I'm over cherries coz I see them everywhere these days. And I'm such a mixed bag to represent, but I really want my website to look professional as well as looking like me (Hah! There in lies the problem! Anyway, I found a cute image which says Babe/humor/quirk, but teaming it with suspense and professionalism and romance- oi! or should that be Oink?
Now I'm worried sick that I'll make bad choices, it will look just as confusing as my first site (because I STILL don't know how to project myself), and I'll spend a HUGE chunk of dough and be no further ahead. Is that a nice wallop of negative self-talk or what? It's got me so flustered I can't make a decision between the two mock ups Jodici sent me. I'm terrified to make a mistake. Why? Will I die if I get it wrong? No! Chances are most people waste more on shoes. Why do I feel so bad making a choice? And why do I expect things to always go right if I can just put in the effort/pay my dues/hold my mouth right? Fact is -- its a risk, pure and simple, one I hope will pay off.
While I was freaking out over the website last night, I read this. "If you think you are anxious, miserable or angry because your life's circumstances are not as you want them to be, and you think that you have too many hassles and difficulties, ask yourself how many problems and discomforts you are supposed to have." Drs. R & E Farnbach
Maybe it is okay to be the klutz I am, to get it wrong, to upset people without trying, because I do a lot of good stuff too. And I am out there giving it a shot. (or is that trying not to get shot?) Anyone who thinks I'm somehow less for being the goofball/eccentric/extroverted hermit that I am is likely floating on their own arrogant cloud of BS anyway.
As the Tibetan proverb goes: "Man who does not suffer fools gladly deserves yak dung pie in face."
So I'm off to make my decisions, and try not to beat myself up, or to moan too loudly about the crap filtering into my life like a deluge at the moment. Truth is, so far, the crap probably isn't past my ankles. And besides, everyone knows it's good for your complexion.