Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen examples Of Awesome Southern Speak!

Mark Twain once wrote: "Southerners talk music!" Aint that the truth! I am loving the way my soutern characters speak in "Theft of the Golden Hooha" (Yeah, I ditched the pussy name.) My only regret is that the soutern speak is from secondary characters so I don't get to do a lot of it. But here, for your listening pleasure, are a few gems I wish I could fit in and can't.

Warning: Those with bladder problems should not proceed beyond this point!

1. Quoting Peter Rabbit McGarrh, circa 1978: "And if that ain't true, grits ain't groceries, eggs ain't poultry, and Mona Lisa was a man."

2. Bonnie Horton: "about as useful as gooseshit on a pumphandle"

3. Barrie Blake: "happened faster than a knife fight in a phone booth."

4. Susan of Baton Rouge : "It's drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford clinic."

5. Sherry A.: "If a bullfrog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass when he jumped."

6. Derek N. : "I'll hit you in the Adam's apple so hard you'll be spitting cider for a week."

7. Derek N. : "It stank so bad it'd knock a buzzard off a gut wagon."

8. "What yer tellin me don't amount to a 'blivit' . . ." (a blivit is 10 pounds of manure in a 5 pound bag --didn't you always wanna know that!)

9. Paula T. : 'Ain't nobody gonna mess on me and call it apple butter!'

10. Paula T."He's so ugly, he didn't get hit with the ugly stick, he got whopped with the whole forest!"

11. Don McL : "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

12. Don McL : "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."

13. Mark : "A face like a bulldog licking catpiss off a stinging nettle."

How I wish I could put in more. I LOVE the South. Someday I hope I too can be Gone With The Windbags. :-)